You've started nursery...

.... And Mummy is wracked with guilt. Your only doing one afternoon and one morning per week, and in actual fact, I take you late and pick you up early so it doesn't even officially equate to 1 full day, but still I feel so ridiculously guilty. Everyone keeps informing me of how good it'll be for you, interacting with other children and learning new things... But I just can't shift the question of if I'm a bad mother, that I'm choosing to put you in nursery rather than it being a necessity of work? I've not done it selfishly, I can assure you, in fact I spend the hours that your there missing you incredibly and wondering what to do with myself. So much so, that yesterday (your first official morning) I blitzed the house so thoroughly that today I fear if I clean another inch I may risk rubbing away kitchen surfaces or the enamel on the bath. I call a million times to check your okay, and am always assured that you are, when I collect you you always seem relaxed and I'm told of how you played with this and that, how you ate all your lunch and loved playing outside... Surely they don't make all this up??
Yesterday afternoon, after collecting you, we played in the garden, baked cakes, did some painting, walked into the village and had a bubble bath, subconsciously i think i was trying to show you how much i do love you and in some strange way seeking your forgiveness for 4 hours, which in actual fact, you more than likely, thoroughly enjoyed.
Is this an affliction of all mothers, I wonder? An extension of asking to have a shower or use the bathroom when Daddy is around, even though Daddys just go about their daily routine as though it's their right to continue as they please, just jumping in the shower whenever the need takes them, not needing to check that baby will be watched by their other half... Anyway, I digress, but all the Mums reading this will know what I'm talking about.
Yesterday, when I called my Mummy (Grandma), in a rather emotionally vulnerable state having just left you there for the first time, her words of wisdom in response to my feeble "do you think, she'll think I've left her there, Do you think she'll hate me???"
"well I left you at nursery, and you didn't hate me, did you?"

Oh God, I can't remember I might have done??



- love Mummy x